Memoirs Of An Evil Genius

Smile When You Say That

Wow!  Look at me, everybody!  Look at what I'M doing!  I'm updating my blog!  Whoa, I better slow down -- I am unaccustomed to this and it's making me seasick!

I'm being sarcastic.  It has been a while, but once again I swear I have a decent excuse.  I have been working my ASS OFF for a TOTAL INGRATE.  You know, it's bad enough when you have to really put your nose to the grindstone -- coming in early, skipping lunches, staying late -- and getting stressed and being barely able to keep your head above water anyway.  It is SO MUCH WORSE when the dickhole you're doing it all for is totally unappreciative of your efforts.  Worse still when he meets your accomplishments with a brusque, "Is this it?"  YES, THIS IS IT!  THIS IS THE END.  PREPARE TO DIE.

He's the worst, seriously, but there are others I work with that fare no better on my imaginary hit list.  There's a guy here who is totally passive-aggressive in that smarmy, smiley-faced kind of way that makes you want to punch them in the groin.  With a car.  The other day he called and left me a voice mail, just to say in his smiley way that he was assuming I had forgotten to do something important and so was going to do it himself.  In a voice mail.  This is douche behavior, people.

Okay, dig it: WHY would you leave a message like that?  No, wait -- YOU wouldn't, because if you're still reading this it's because YOU ARE NOT A DOUCHEBAG.  If you're going to just take care of, just take care of it.  There is no need to call and leave a self-aggrandizing message beforehand.  Also?  The thing that you're going to assume I didn't do?  You're right.  I didn't.  Because it WASN'T MY RESPONSIBILITY IN THE FIRST PLACE.  Way to investigate, Douche Tracy.

And that is only one small example of what I'm talking about.  I would list some of the rest, but, oh surprise, I have to get back to work.  Frowny face.

Hair Today, If You Don't Pull It All Out

I'M NOT DEAD!  I swear!  I know it's been a month or so since my last update, but it's just because I've been busy.  Busy NOT choking my producer to death, which believe you me has been a lot of work.  I don't want to go into details because it will kick-start a rage that will NEVER DIE, but suffice it to say that my homicidal impulses have been getting a workout like decathletes preparing for the Olympic games.

Other things I've been doing: removing the old, beat-up chair from my bedroom and replacing it with a cabinet; filling said cabinet with the pile of books, rapidly expanding like the blob, beside my bed; restocking said pile of books with rash and ill-conceived purchases from Amazon; eating Cadbury Creme Eggs; and going to bad movies.  I've been doing more than that, but I've been out drinking tonight and can't remember all that stuff.

Oh!  I also got a haircut.  There's a place in my neighborhood and I've never gone there - mostly because it has a person's name in the title without words like "super" or "fantastic" or "EZ", which translates loosely to "expensive" -- but I was kind of feeling like I wanted an expert at the helm for once.  Frankly, though, it seems like a waste of money as I wear my hair pretty short and it doesn't take much skill or critical thinking to execute that particular look.  And back when I decided that I wanted to do that "shaggy" look the kids were all going in for, I found out that when my hair gets longer?  It gets all wavy and curly and impossible to manage.  So I went to one of these pricey salons and asked the hairdresser (I feel so sophisticated!) to help me find a controllable look I could sport while continuing to let my hair grow out.  So she said she'd just cut the curl out of it, and fifty dollars later I walked out with a buzz cut.

Anyway, I avoided the expensive places after that, because what's the point, right?  Except that the last two times I went to the cheap places they cut that part above my right ear just a smidge too high, and I looked like Claus Von Stauffenberg's mentally handicapped cousin from Mayberry.  So I thought I'd give it a try one more time.  The woman who cut my hair was a close-talker, and an over-sharer to boot, and as she styled me she YANKED on my hair about A HUNDRED AND FIFTY TIMES.  I'm surprised I have any left.  More so because, in addition to the yanking, she CUT ALL MY HAIR OFF AGAIN.  They all say the same thing: "I LOVE your hair!  I wish MY hair was like yours!  I'm just going to cut the curl out of it."  And then later, "You like SHORT hair...right?"  I do like it, though.  I just with it hadn't cost FIFTY DOLLARS.

There I go with the rage again.  Anyway, you'll all love to know that Argyle totally told our loud-sex neighbor's roommate all about the loud sex, and apparently the roommate has been mortified on the loud-sexer's behalf about the loud sex.  Maybe you didn't love to know that.  But I've had wine.

Okay, I'm going to bed now.

No Place Like Homicidal

OMG.  Argyle is at a bar RIGHT NOW sitting next to FANCY CRANE, and I am out of town and cannot drive to the bar like a lunatic, get all up in her face, and GEEK the FUCK OUT.  I AM SO MAD.  I AM CRAZED.  Seriously. This is NOT FAIR.  The Universe is trying to hurt me, right?  WHAT IS THIS?  No, but I'm really like insane about this.  To be fair, Ulrich and I have been out wine-tasting all day, so my judgment is somewhat impaired, but I AM REALLY PISSED ABOUT THIS.  I will never speak to Argyle again!  HOW DARE SHE MEET FANCY WITHOUT ME!  THAT BITCH!

Okay.  It's okay.  I'm okay now.  I swear.  I'm...going to breathe.  And maybe have more wine.  AND SEETHE.  No, not that last part.  I'm going to practice my Zen breathing and I'm going to be okay.  It's all okay.

IT IS NOT OKAY.  I am losing my mind.  I'm going to cry for a minute, but then I'll be fine.  No!  I'm fine.  Don't worry about me.  *sob*

Actually, there are possibly worries needed for my future, because I may commit a murder and be incarcerated.  Not Argyle -- I talk a good game, but I could never kill her because there would be no one left who knows how to Swiffer without leaving clumps of residue all over the fucking apartment.  (Seriously, why can't I figure this out?  I'm a college graduate, people!)  No, I am going to assassinate A CERTAIN PERSON I WORK WITH*.  I don't want to go into the whole thing because it would just piss me off all over again, and I spent two hours explaining it all to Ulrich yesterday, but the man needs to just die.

Between the passive-aggressive denunciations of my efforts on the job, and the way he a) doesn't listen, b) doesn't communicate, and c) expects me to nevertheless divine exactly what he wants and do it the way he wants it while not listening to me or answering my questions and telling me 'do whatever, I don't care' before then publicly accusing me of screwing things up by not doing what he wanted WHICH HE NEVER TOLD ME OH MY G-D I'M LOSING MY MIND AND I CANNOT STOP SHOUTING WITH WORDS!  He seriously ruined my life like eight times on Friday, to the point where everyone sitting in my cubicle area offered to buy me drinks and/or help hide the body.

I am trying to be calm and sensible about this, believe it or not.  I am trying to remember to forget about work when I'm not at work, but for reals?  This man makes me glad that I may be testifying in court on Monday and unable to go to the office.  Let him figure out how to do shit without me for a day.

Except that he won't.  He'll just wait and give me a passive-aggressive lecture about how I've wasted time by being subpoenaed and now have to really buckle down to make up for it.  That fucker.

Okay.  I need to go and practice more Zen breathing.  Send help.

*I am changing certain indicators in order to preserve a little privacy.  Not that I think THIS PERSON will ever read this?  But loose lips sink ships.  The person sitting in front of me has been leaning over my wall all day long to talk very loudly about my homicidal impulses, and I don't need to add any fuel to the fire.

We Don't Want YOUR Fries With That, Bitch!

So today is my birthday.  No, no -- don't get up!  I appreciate it, but really the applause is unnecessary.  I am OLD today, though.  OLD.  Well, old-er.  Old enough that if I were a famous actor I would start getting parts like "Single Father" and shit.  Well, maybe not me.  I would get parts like "Single Mother's Gay Best Friend", and I'd just be the catty, dishy guy who works with her at her interior design firm, and I'd be featured in the expository scenes where she's gushing on and on about the guy she met through her friend, and he's soooo beautiful (and he'd be played by Ashton Kutcher or some other such predictably affable comedian), and then I'd have to sigh and say shit like, "Oh, Susan (Drew Barrymore NO DOUBT,) you are so lucky!" and I'd have to act like I hate her for being so lucky, but really I'm so happy because she's my bestest friend and I know how broken up she's been since her husband died in that freak accident two years before.  And then there'd be a series of miscommunications between her and Ashton and she'd think he was a deadbeat, or a gigolo, or a con man, or something like that, and I'd be featured in a series of split-screen phone conversations where I'm in a bubble bath or something equally fey until FINALLY all is settled in the end and the young lovers waltz off into the sunset and everyone wonders, "HEY?  WHAT ABOUT THE GAY BEST FRIEND?"

So last weekend, Ulrich and Argyle and I had a night on the town.  Old-school.  I mean, we got SHITFACED.  Like, we drank...and then we drank some more...and then we drank some more, and THEN we decided to go to the bar, where we drank and drank and drank, and some dude tried to pick up Argyle (but he wasn't good at it, so he and his wingmen picked up ALL of us to get to her), and then the three of us stumbled home drunkenly but happily.  This is where the DRAMA begins.

We wanted chili fries.  You cannot get chili fries at any of the fast food places in our neighborhood.  So we had to go to the grocery store and buy chili and cheese, and then walk down to McDonald's at 2:30am to get fries.  But the place is closed after, like, midnight, and we had to go through the drive-thru.  Except that we were on foot.  So picture me and Argyle standing between cars -- PATIENTLY -- waiting to get to the window.  (They wouldn't acknowledge us at the speaker, you see.)  We finally get up there and ask for two orders of fries, and the manager comes up and gets ALL IN OUR FACES and says, "We don't have time for this!"

I'm all, "Listen, I'm offering you money -- I just want two orders of fries."  And she repeats, "WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!"  For what?  Walking over to the heat lamp and picking up two things of French fries?  Because seriously, that doesn't take long.  So the three of us get into this EXTREME DEBATE at 2:30 in the morning about what exactly is going on here, until I snapped out, "I am offering you my money for your product, and you are refusing it!  You are saying you do not want my money!"  And she says (try to guess) "WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!"  And Argyle barked out something pithy and we stomped off.

But we did not stomp with our tails between our legs.  Oh no!  We marched RIGHT BACK to the apartment, got in Argyle's car, DROVE BACK TO MCDONALD'S (at 3:00am), ordered our French fries, waited in the drive-thru line, got to the window, and then Argyle leaned over and shouted, "Oh!  I'm sorry -- we forgot!  YOU DON'T WANT OUR MONEY!" and then drove off at 1780mph, all the way over to the Carl's Jr. next door so we could wait in the drive-thru for another fifteen minutes to get our fries.  FOR WHICH WE GLADLY PAID.

We had briefly considered ordering two of every item on the menu at McDonald's before driving off, but it's not like they can't get your license plate number a million times while you're waiting.

Anyway, this is why we will NEVER EAT THERE AGAIN.  And you should not either.  Don't let anyone ever tell you not to do things just on principle, because it was the most awesome fun we have ever had.

Zach Braff Needs To Stop Sending Me All These Subpoenas

I thought that might get your attention.  I know Zach and I have had a complicated history, but I haven't been accepting his mail for a while.  We are over, is what I'm saying.  Frankly, I know all these subpoenas aren't coming from him, but it makes me feel better to think that he's noticed I broke up with him back in 2004 or whatever, and that he's trying to get back at me.

Anyway, I've been getting, like, ALL these subpoenas lately!  You may remember all of this business, wherein I saw something horrible happen -- which led directly to this business, wherein I was told to appear in court and had visions of myself sobbing on the witness stand and making the jury swoon with compassion, only to watch those daydreams evaporate when they told me to just come on down to the middle of nowhere and give a deposition instead -- which ULTIMATELY ended in some kind of undisclosed result.  Well, I thought all that stuff was behind me, until six months ago when they called me in to give ANOTHER deposition -- wherein the two attorneys sniped at each other across a battle-scarred conference table while subtly trying to manipulate my emotions for one side or the other.  So THEN I thought it was all behind me for GOOD.  Until...last week.

Yes, folks, I have been served AGAIN.  This time it's an "on-call" subpoena, which means that I might have to appear in court after all, but only MAYBE, and they'll "let me know" in advance if this is so.  I should mention that the day they "might" need me?  IS TOMORROW.  Or Wednesday.  They're not sure.  They're not sure about a lot of things, actually, because not long after I got visited by the prosecutor's process server, I got a call from the defense asking me if I'd received a subpoena yet.  I said I had and he said, "Oh.  Well, I'm going to send you one too.  Where should I fax it?"

WHY DO I NEED TWO SUBPOENAS?  And why would you FAX it?  Listen, although I have now received three or so subpoenas, I am no expert.  But even I recognize this as overkill.  It's not like one extra court order is going to make much of a difference.  Like I'm sitting around, all, "See, I know I've been ordered to appear in court under penalty of law and everything, but Rachael Ray is on!  If they were serious about this, they'd have sent a whole stack of them, right?  I'm just going to turn off my phone and take my TV to the park where no one can find me."  Plus which, if you really think that an excess of subpoenae are going to make or break this deal, don't FAX it, dude.  Like I couldn't give you some bullshit fax number or something.

Incidentally, he did not fax it after all.  So I still only have the one.

Anyway, I called the district attorney this morning when no one called me yesterday, just to make sure I was reading the agreement right, and he informed me that this ought to be a short trial.  He also informed me that I AM THE KEY WITNESS because even the parties involved in the accident don't remember what happened.  But they MIGHT not need me, right?  Our legal system makes no kind of damn sense.  Every time I see The Practice I want to choke on my bitter laughter over how organized they all seem.

INCIDENTALLY.  All of this talk about breaking up with Zach Braff leads me to some important news.  ULRICH AND I ARE STILL TOGETHER.  A couple weeks ago I removed the "in a relationship" banner from my Facebook page, because I felt way too old to be waving my personal life around like a flag on the internet, and decided I wanted some privacy in case weird people from college that I didn't really want to talk to anymore started finding me and asking to be my friend.  Unfortunately, I didn't realize that this would send a notification to EVERYONE I EVER MET with an alarmist "broken heart" icon saying I'm single again suddenly, and I got a whole bunch of concerned e-mails asking "what had happened".

Oh, and to all of you who got in touch, thank you -- it's actually very nice to know that people were so genuinely concerned!  Sorry about the false alarm.  Well, not "sorry", per se, but...you know what I mean.

Anyway, I AM REMOVING IT AGAIN because of EXACTLY what I feared before.  I've started getting weird notices from people I used to know back in the day and I just want some extra privacy.  So I'm removing my "relationship" information tag, which means everyone I know will be getting a broken heart icon, and I want everyone to know that my relationship is FINE.

Okay, thank you.

Food For Thought

How is it that I haven't written anything for, like, three weeks and yet don't have anything to say?  I ALWAYS have something to say.  Even when I say nothing.  Problem is that laziness makes you rusty, and lately I'm like the fucking Tin Man.

I've been trying to up my reading habits.  Last year I read fifteen books, and while that's well above the nation's average of four per year (that's 4, as in 4 SHAME), I still feel like I need to pick up the pace.  I used to read fifteen books in the summer.  Granted they were all crap, but at least I was taking stuff in, you know?  Anyway, I like crap.  DON'T YOU JUDGE ME.  I have decided, in addition to reading more, to broaden my horizons as well.  This is why I've been reading more travelogues and culinary retrospectives!  Okay, so, not setting the intellectual world on fire, but at least it's not all dime novel shit!  Not all of it, anyway.

This one summer, when I was in summer school (I barely passed geometry that year, and my parents were so mad at me for not getting an A -- excuse me, "living up to my potential" -- that they forced me to retake it in summer school; it was hard for me to communicate to them that barely passing was actually where my potential hit the wall, and further that if one hour of geometry five days a week for the school year wasn't enough to help me maximize said potential then two hours a day six days a week during my vacation wasn't going to do it either) (I believe I finally got that message across by failing miserably) (point: mine), I was reading a different book every one to two days.  This was during class, of course, so I wasn't the teacher's pet I don't think, but he didn't look like he was good with pets anyway.

Right now I'm reading The United States of Arugula by David Kamp, and I really love it.  If you like food and culinary anthropology, it's really a great read.  For Christmas I got a copy of A Revolution In Eating, and I cannot wait to start it.  Unfortunately, it makes me want to throw a French dinner party.  Truly unfortunately, I am not equipped to throw a French dinner party.  I mean, I could certainly try my hand at the dishes themselves, and likely have the batterie de cuisine to put it together, but what we DON'T have is a table.  This is an issue for dinner parties.

Okay, I need to get the fuck out of the office.  I am tired and I am going to Arizona this weekend, which is going to be a long drive, and we are leaving tonight.  TONIGHT.  I still haven't packed.  It should be fun, though!  (The trip, not the packing.)

Everyone enjoy your three-day weekend, and I'll see you back here on Tuesday, whereupon I will ruminate on this new show called Make Me a Supermodel! 

Flying/High

I hate flying.  To begin with, I don't enjoy being 30,000 feet in the air -- call me crazy -- with nothing to break your fall but 90,000 pounds of fiberglass and aluminum, and maybe, like, a rosebush.  I also hate the fact that unless you are traveling WITH someone, you inevitably sit down next to somebody who wants to be friends.  I do not want to be friends.  I want to read my book and NOT DIE.  This does not seem to me to be an unreasonable request of the universe.

I should say that I had a wonderful Christmas vacation.  I went home, I saw my toddlin' nephew, I taught him how to say "octopus" (he said it like "OW-psss", and then I GAVE HIM ALL MY MONEY), and gave/received a lot of wonderful gifts.  I got to play with my dog and hang out with my friends, and my four-year-old niece invited me to her birthday party.  I told her that, as I live 2,500 miles away, I probably couldn't make it.  Her response?  "Ask your mom!"  I had no more money left, so I gave her my blood.

THEN.  I had to go home.  Ever since I enjoyed this little experience, I have been a...not so good passenger.  I tense up, I sweat, and every jitter of the plane causes me to start carving my last will and testament into the tray table in the hopes that it alone will survive our death drop into the rosebushes.  So I do what all God's children are supposed to do -- I get good and tipsy before climbing aboard, and try to let my buzz dispel the clamor of nerves.  We were maybe a half-hour into the five-hour flight (and I was maybe twenty pages from the end of my book) when the girl at the end of my row leaned over and asked in a drunken stage whisper what I was reading.  I explained, to the best of my abilities.

Drunk Girl: THAT SOUNDS GOOD!

Me: It is good, actually.

Drunk Girl:  I AM TOTALLY STEALING YOUR BOOK!  HA HA HA!  I NEED MORE WINE!  DO YOU LIVE ALONE?

Me:  No, I have a roommate.  A crowded house, actually.

Drunk Girl:  GIRL OR BOY?

Me:  A girl.  But our boyfriends come and go.

Drunk Girl: OHHHHH!  ARE YOU BISEXUAL?

Me:  Um...no.

Drunk Girl (disappointed):  OHHHHH.  SO YOU'RE STRAIGHT-UP GAY?  I'M BISEXUAL.  I LIKE BOTH!

Me:  That's...what that means, all right.

Drunk Girl:  YOU'RE ATTRACTIVE.

Me:  ...thank you.

So by this time, everyone on the plane knew that I was straight-up gay, and that my new best friend liked it both ways.  I was a trifle embarrassed, but tried to communicate that although I appreciated the company, it was reading time now.  She didn't get it.  She proceeded to inform me that she was flying out on an impulse to party with some guy she didn't know, whom she suspected would possibly be picking her up at the airport.  She used some...outmoded terms to describe him, which I will not reprint here because I find them to be impolite and inappropriate.  Just imagine her screaming "high yellow" or something similar, and you have the basic idea.

During the last forty-five minutes we bonded again when we encountered some minor turbulence in our descent that nearly sheared the wings off the plane, and I decided that if we were all going to die I wasn't going to meet my maker until I'd eaten every last piece of chocolate in my carry-on.  I shared, and this seemed to further cement our bond.  At the baggage claim, she was still with me, and still in...high spirits.

Drunk Girl:  I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT STEWARDESS CUT ME OFF!  I NEEDED WINE!  WOOOO!

Me:  When the hell are they going to send out our luggage?

Drunk Girl:  DOES THIS OUTFIT LOOK TOO WHOREY?

Me:  Nope, just whorey enough.

Drunk Girl:  HA HA!  LIKE YOU'D KNOW.  NO, YOU WOULD, BECAUSE YOU'RE HOT.  WOOOO!

Me:  ...where are my bags?

Drunk Girl:  WHY IS EVERYBODY STARING AT ME?  IS IT BECAUSE I'M DRUNK, OR IS IT BECAUSE I'M DRESSED LIKE A WHORE?

Me:  Can I pick more than one?

Drunk Girl:  I LIKE EATING PUSSY.  IT'S THE BEST!

Me:  ...

Drunk Girl:  YOU SHOULD TOTALLY TRY IT!

Me:  ...no thank you--

Drunk Girl:  OH, RIGHT.  NO, IT'S COOL!  YOU CAN HAVE ALL THE COCK YOU WANT!  I LIKE THAT, TOO!

Me:  Oh Jesus, please send my bag out right now.  I will donate to the church -- any church -- just please.  Please--

Drunk Girl:  I SURE HOPE MY RIDE SHOWS UP!

Me:  Yes, we all do.

Drunk Girl:  YEAH!  OTHERWISE I'M GONNA HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU!

Me:  Oh, look, it's my bag!  Bye!  Don't get killed!

And it actually WAS my bag?  But even if it wasn't, I was going to grab the next one that rolled by anyway, take it into the bathroom, change into someone else's clothes and make a mustache out of toilet paper, and then sneak back to the opposite side of the carousel to wait for MY shit to come through.

I am never taking the plane again.

CROSS YOUR LEGS

Jamie-Lynn Spears is pregnant.  Oh, yes she is.  This is not a drill, folks!  This is the real thing!  The SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD sister of Britney motherfuckin' Spears is going to HAVE A BABY.  They are like The Beverly HIllbillies FOR REAL.

Happy Holiday$!

What's this "writing"?  It seems so new, so unfamiliar!

I kid, but not really.  It's been forever since I've updated, but it's been forever since I've done just about anything except for work.  Fortunately, my episode is in the finalization process, so MOST of the headachey parts are over.  OVER!  Of course, the qualifier "most" is "most" important here.  I've learned to stop relaxing, because at 6:30 when I'm supposed to leave I know someone will come running up, all, "OMG!  There's a thing that needs to be done RIGHT NOW for tomorrow, and if you don't do it nine million people will die!!!!" and then the 24 clock starts beeping and the screen goes to a four-way split screen, and...well, you know the drill.

But!  I am finally approaching the finish line for reals.  For REALS, for reals, because we deliver on the 21st and I go home on the 21st for the holidays, and I'm not doing any work on Christmas.  (Incidentally, I did a typo right there and said I wasn't going to do any qork on Christmas -- I'm not going to make that promise.  Frankly, I have to do a lot of qork just to get me through the holidays.)  What I WILL be doing is freezing my buns off and feeling poverty-stricken.

Oh, did I neglect to mention that I have had my car in the shop THREE TIMES since I bought it IN SEPTEMBER?  First the engine light came on and it cost ~$200 to repair.  Then the engine light came on and it cost $700 to repair.  Then, and you'll love this, the ENGINE LIGHT CAME ON -- ten days later -- and it cost $600 to repair!  And now?  Do you want to know what's happening now?  Do you?  Just listen: NOW the BRAKES are making horrific groaning noises, in manner of Shrieking Eels or similar, like they might be fixing to give up the ghost any old day.  Not comforting!  Add to these expenses the holidays -- WHICH, by the way, are taking off downhill like MY CAR WITH NO BRAKES -- and I'm practically sweating money.  I would love to stop my bank account from hemorrhaging, but it appears to be hemophiliac at this point.

Which reminds me: has everybody finished their Christmas shopping?  I HAVEN'T!  Who has time?  I bought a bunch of shit over Thanksgiving, and a bunch more over the subsequent week, but I've got more and more and more people to buy for every year.  And now that I have a "better" "job", people seem to expect more.  Apparently I can't get away with shopping at the 99¢ Store anymore.  I don't care what people say -- you never have too many ceramic hobo clown candle holders.

Anyway, I just wanted everyone to know I'm not dead.  Like my mom.  Who called me two weeks ago, and when I didn't answer called everyone I'd ever met to ask where I was and was I okay.  I was fine, by the way.  I was just drunk.  It was a Tuesday morning, after all.

(Kidding!  It was Saturday morning.)

(Kidding again!  It was Saturday afternoon.)

I Said, "I Want to CRUSH James Bond," Not, "I Have a CRUSH ON James Bond!"