Memoirs Of An Evil Genius: Auto Destruct

June 22, 2007

Auto Destruct

I wish I could tell you this is not another post about something going wrong with my car...but I can't lie to you guys. (Seriously, look at yourselves -- you're so cute!)

So, a few months back, I got a flat tire. Somehow. I drove the car from downtown to the Valley, and everything was fine, and when I got off work all late and went out to my car, I discovered I had a screw about sixteen inches long jammed into one of my wheels. Fun! I had changed a tire once before, and there I was in the middle of the night with a pipe-y thing in one hand an accordion thing in the other, with nothing but the vaguest of sense-memories about what was supposed to go where. Seriously, it was like Regarding Henry, or some shit. Anyway, after nearly an hour, I finally got everything into place, and I was able to drive home. At 50mph.

I bring that up as background. Now, my long time readers may remember the incident about three years ago where my tire got slashed in a parking structure, also in the Valley. (Apparently, the Valley is very bad for me, and for my cars.) Well, the new tire I got eventually sprang a slow leak -- not a disastrous one, but an annoying one, as I had to refill it every six months or so. Well, I got the tires rotated last December, and ever since then it's gotten worse and worse, to the point that I was going to buy a new one next month to replace it.

And God laughed. Last night, on my way home from work, the damn thing totally collapsed on me. I had to pull over in front of a fire hydrant at Cahuenga and Sunset -- where I might as well have been parked in the middle of the Kodak Theater, for the audience I had -- and change the fucking tire, and then race home before company arrived. Fortunately, I remembered what I was doing this time and finished much quicker, but can't a dude catch a fucking break???

Seriously! I am sick of shit going wrong with my car! EXPENSIVE shit! Okay, the tire will be the cheapest of what I've had to deal with, but WTF? Next, my hood will smash back into the windshield, my roof will come off, the windows will spontaneously shatter, and the serpentine belt will COME TO LIFE AND EAT ME. That is the only probable future, based on what has already happened.

June 22, 2007 in A Few Of My Least Favorite Things, Car and Driver, Stressed For Success | Permalink

Comments

The tire still should have been under warranty when you first noticed it leaking, so you probably should have made them get you a new one. Now I'm thinking you, like Paris, should just stick to a car service.

Posted by: jen | June 25, 2007 at 12:17 PM

Book 'Em, Dr. No

Sue Grafton: T is for Trespass
It is impossible for Sue Grafton to disappoint me, so my opinion on this book is biased. That said, I loved it -- Grafton has been playing with narrative style in her two most recent books, and here it really pays off; the story of an identity thief who moves in next door escalates slowly in a cat-and-mouse fashion, the POV shifting between our hero and a wolf in sheep's clothing next door. More than a potboiler, this is also a suspenseful look at sociopaths and human vulnerability. Not to oversell it.
Lawrence Treat: T as in Trapped
This is another pulp mystery novel, written in 1947 and focusing on a young architect who finds himself embroiled in a murder. Treat was apparently a pioneer of the police procedural, and the references to what was cutting edge technology in the late 40s are kind of fun. The story itself has some holes and takes a few strange liberties, but the snappy patter is enjoyable nonetheless.
Dean Koontz: Intensity
Suspenseful and unnerving, this book suffers from only two minor flaws. While Koontz's purple prose lends itself well to description and rumination, it does no favors for the scattered bits of dialog in this otherwise well-written tale. Additionally, after a crashingly good horror story with genuine moments of real introspection, the final denouement seems trite and preachy. Overall, though, an exciting read.
Joanne Harris: Gentlemen and Players
My one complaint about Joanne Harris is that her protagonists tend to be abrasive and unlikeable. Not so here, which is possibly her best to date -- our hero is one of the most enjoyable characters she's developed yet; even the villain has a cunning appeal, and Harris pits the two narratives against each other, ratcheting the suspense as she slowly brings things to a boil.
Mary Roberts Rinehart: The Door
This complex and atmospheric mystery, published in 1930, is the genesis of a well-known phrase - which I can't reveal without ruining the twist ending. Suffice it to say that Rinehart is a very clever writer, although she relies heavily on a device throughout this book where she forecasts all major plot points and then doubles back to develop them, flashback-style. The herky-jerk nature of this style dampens some of the mounting suspense, but it's an engrossing read overall.
Janet Evanovich: Visions of Sugar Plums
My mother is a woman obsessed with Janet Evanovich, and she has been insisting for years that I read her interstitial novellas. This is the first, and it's a cute, breezy Christmas tale. There's a supernatural element that wasn't my cup of tea -- too much peanut butter in my chocolate -- but if you're a fan of Evanovich, you'll like it.
John Buchan: The Thirty-Nine Steps
A brisk and engaging spy thriller, this novella - the source material for Hitchcock's famous film - barely exceeds 100 pages. It strains credibility a bit, but it's still a fun read, and although the Georgian era references and colloquialisms are sometimes hard to follow, a glossary of terms (!) at the back of the book does help.
James E. McWilliams: A Revolution in Eating: How the Quest for Food Shaped America
An excellent book, especially if you're interested in culinary anthropology or American cultural, social, geographical, or political history. The author charts the evolution of regional American cuisine from colonial times to the Revolution.
Janet Evanovich: Metro Girl
Typical of Evanovich's style - this is light, easy, and fun; a good summertime book. Perhaps a bit too stylistically similar to her Stephanie Plum series, but if it ain't broke...
Heather Graham: The Seance
So bad. SO. BAD. Just...just so bad.