Memoirs Of An Evil Genius: Zach Braff Needs To Stop Sending Me All These Subpoenas

February 04, 2008

Zach Braff Needs To Stop Sending Me All These Subpoenas

I thought that might get your attention. I know Zach and I have had a complicated history, but I haven't been accepting his mail for a while. We are over, is what I'm saying. Frankly, I know all these subpoenas aren't coming from him, but it makes me feel better to think that he's noticed I broke up with him back in 2004 or whatever, and that he's trying to get back at me.

Anyway, I've been getting, like, ALL these subpoenas lately! You may remember all of this business, wherein I saw something horrible happen -- which led directly to this business, wherein I was told to appear in court and had visions of myself sobbing on the witness stand and making the jury swoon with compassion, only to watch those daydreams evaporate when they told me to just come on down to the middle of nowhere and give a deposition instead -- which ULTIMATELY ended in some kind of undisclosed result. Well, I thought all that stuff was behind me, until six months ago when they called me in to give ANOTHER deposition -- wherein the two attorneys sniped at each other across a battle-scarred conference table while subtly trying to manipulate my emotions for one side or the other. So THEN I thought it was all behind me for GOOD. Until...last week.

Yes, folks, I have been served AGAIN. This time it's an "on-call" subpoena, which means that I might have to appear in court after all, but only MAYBE, and they'll "let me know" in advance if this is so. I should mention that the day they "might" need me? IS TOMORROW. Or Wednesday. They're not sure. They're not sure about a lot of things, actually, because not long after I got visited by the prosecutor's process server, I got a call from the defense asking me if I'd received a subpoena yet. I said I had and he said, "Oh. Well, I'm going to send you one too. Where should I fax it?"

WHY DO I NEED TWO SUBPOENAS? And why would you FAX it? Listen, although I have now received three or so subpoenas, I am no expert. But even I recognize this as overkill. It's not like one extra court order is going to make much of a difference. Like I'm sitting around, all, "See, I know I've been ordered to appear in court under penalty of law and everything, but Rachael Ray is on! If they were serious about this, they'd have sent a whole stack of them, right? I'm just going to turn off my phone and take my TV to the park where no one can find me." Plus which, if you really think that an excess of subpoenae are going to make or break this deal, don't FAX it, dude. Like I couldn't give you some bullshit fax number or something.

Incidentally, he did not fax it after all. So I still only have the one.

Anyway, I called the district attorney this morning when no one called me yesterday, just to make sure I was reading the agreement right, and he informed me that this ought to be a short trial. He also informed me that I AM THE KEY WITNESS because even the parties involved in the accident don't remember what happened. But they MIGHT not need me, right? Our legal system makes no kind of damn sense. Every time I see The Practice I want to choke on my bitter laughter over how organized they all seem.

INCIDENTALLY. All of this talk about breaking up with Zach Braff leads me to some important news. ULRICH AND I ARE STILL TOGETHER. A couple weeks ago I removed the "in a relationship" banner from my Facebook page, because I felt way too old to be waving my personal life around like a flag on the internet, and decided I wanted some privacy in case weird people from college that I didn't really want to talk to anymore started finding me and asking to be my friend. Unfortunately, I didn't realize that this would send a notification to EVERYONE I EVER MET with an alarmist "broken heart" icon saying I'm single again suddenly, and I got a whole bunch of concerned e-mails asking "what had happened".

Oh, and to all of you who got in touch, thank you -- it's actually very nice to know that people were so genuinely concerned! Sorry about the false alarm. Well, not "sorry", per se, but...you know what I mean.

Anyway, I AM REMOVING IT AGAIN because of EXACTLY what I feared before. I've started getting weird notices from people I used to know back in the day and I just want some extra privacy. So I'm removing my "relationship" information tag, which means everyone I know will be getting a broken heart icon, and I want everyone to know that my relationship is FINE.

Okay, thank you.

February 04, 2008 in A Few Of My Least Favorite Things, Stressed For Success, Ulrich, Updates | Permalink

Comments

One of my friends was "no longer in a relationship" because he...GOT ENGAGED.

This was disappointing, as I was sort of hot for him back in the day.

Posted by:Jessica | February 13, 2008 at 09:25 PM

It's funny--when I saw that on Facebook, my first thought was "oh, he must have started getting weird messages from people from back in the day."

Hee! I must be really secure in your relationship.

Posted by:May Day | February 14, 2008 at 10:13 AM

It's funny--when I saw that on Facebook, my first thought was "oh, he must have started getting weird messages from people from back in the day."

Hee! I must be really secure in your relationship.

Posted by:May Day | February 14, 2008 at 10:14 AM

It's funny--when I saw that on Facebook, my first thought was "oh, he must have started getting weird messages from people from back in the day."

Hee! I must be really secure in your relationship.

Posted by:May Day | February 14, 2008 at 10:14 AM

Book 'Em, Dr. No

Dean Koontz: Intensity
Suspenseful and unnerving, this book suffers from only two minor flaws. While Koontz's purple prose lends itself well to description and rumination, it does no favors for the scattered bits of dialog in this otherwise well-written tale. Additionally, after a crashingly good horror story with genuine moments of real introspection, the final denouement seems trite and preachy. Overall, though, an exciting read.
Joanne Harris: Gentlemen and Players
My one complaint about Joanne Harris is that her protagonists tend to be abrasive and unlikeable. Not so here, which is possibly her best to date -- our hero is one of the most enjoyable characters she's developed yet; even the villain has a cunning appeal, and Harris pits the two narratives against each other, ratcheting the suspense as she slowly brings things to a boil.
Mary Roberts Rinehart: The Door
This complex and atmospheric mystery, published in 1930, is the genesis of a well-known phrase - which I can't reveal without ruining the twist ending. Suffice it to say that Rinehart is a very clever writer, although she relies heavily on a device throughout this book where she forecasts all major plot points and then doubles back to develop them, flashback-style. The herky-jerk nature of this style dampens some of the mounting suspense, but it's an engrossing read overall.
Janet Evanovich: Visions of Sugar Plums
My mother is a woman obsessed with Janet Evanovich, and she has been insisting for years that I read her interstitial novellas. This is the first, and it's a cute, breezy Christmas tale. There's a supernatural element that wasn't my cup of tea -- too much peanut butter in my chocolate -- but if you're a fan of Evanovich, you'll like it.
John Buchan: The Thirty-Nine Steps
A brisk and engaging spy thriller, this novella - the source material for Hitchcock's famous film - barely exceeds 100 pages. It strains credibility a bit, but it's still a fun read, and although the Georgian era references and colloquialisms are sometimes hard to follow, a glossary of terms (!) at the back of the book does help.
James E. McWilliams: A Revolution in Eating: How the Quest for Food Shaped America
An excellent book, especially if you're interested in culinary anthropology or American cultural, social, geographical, or political history. The author charts the evolution of regional American cuisine from colonial times to the Revolution.
Janet Evanovich: Metro Girl
Typical of Evanovich's style - this is light, easy, and fun; a good summertime book. Perhaps a bit too stylistically similar to her Stephanie Plum series, but if it ain't broke...
Heather Graham: The Seance
So bad. SO. BAD. Just...just so bad.
David Kamp: The United States of Arugula: How We Became a Gourmet Nation
An authoritative and compellingly-written look at the rise of gourmet cuisine in the American culture, charting it from Le Pavillon to Chez Panisse to Whole Foods. It will make you want to cook, y'all. For reals.
James Patterson: 1st to Die: A Novel
A recommendation from my mother -- she's hooked. I thought it was good, but Patterson's blunt, staccato writing style took some getting used to. Still, if you like procedurals, it's an effective diversion.