Memoirs Of An Evil Genius

I Said, "I Want to CRUSH James Bond," Not, "I Have a CRUSH ON James Bond!"

I always knew I was GORGEOUS.

I Think I'm Paranoid

I hate it when I can't sleep because it's too hot and my boss keeps walking in to check on me.  I could really use a nap, people.

My hair is doing really strange things today, by the way.  I'm not sure what happened, but it all stood up this morning like it was holding a vigil for some reason, and it has yet to relax.  I totally look like a Parasaurolophus or something:

Well, I take better care of my skin and nails, but you get the idea.  Anyway, I cut all my hair off not that long ago, and it's actually kind of refreshing to have my hair short enough where it'll stand up and stuff.  Before, I had only two modes: Acceptable, or Hat Day.  Hat Day is hard when it's 8 million degrees outside, y'all.  Although it's actually been pretty cool the last few, go fig.

Domino is in town, too, by the way.  It's actually pretty cool, although I haven't really had a chance to see much of her.  We all got drinks on Saturday, but I wasn't feeling very good, so we didn't stay out long.  She was supposed to come meet me for coffee this afternoon, but...dude, NOBODY wants to drive out to the Valley.  Not if you have to, certainly not if it's optional.  So I excused her from that, but will see her tonight.  It's weird -- she moved ten months ago, but somehow it feels like it's been so much longer.

Anyway, we met for drinks at this pub -- it's a great place, but...okay, people, it's where He Who Shall Not Be Named used to hang out with his friends.  Like, the ONLY place they used to hang out, and do you know why?  Do you?  Guess.  No, don't guess, because you'll never get it, it's that stupid.  It's the only place they used to hang out, because they didn't know of any other bars.  IN LOS ANGELES.  I mean...what can truly be said about that?  The statement mocks itself with dry sarcasm, right?

Anyway, I bring this up to put you in my frame of mind on Saturday.  EVERY time someone entered the bar, I would look up in a panic, worried that it was him.  This seems totally irrational, I know, but HE was totally irrational, as if you need the brush-up lesson on the Kafka nightmare that was my relationship with HWSNBN.  Anyway, I would sit there, feeling like everyone was staring at me and texting YOU KNOW WHO that I was at the bar, and OMG!!1!  I did run into HWSNBN once after I dumped him and he freaked out and I worried he would stab me or May Day one night.  I should clarify: I saw him once after all that, at Target, but he didn't see me and I turned and literally RAN for the door like the place was on fire.  He might have seen me as I ran away, but there was no confrontation and that's all I care about.

I know, I sound crazy.  But the thing is, my life is SO GOOD without HWSNBN in it, and I have no desire to upset that balance.  Not for an evening, not for five minutes.  He was on a downward spiral like a water slide, and I spent six months with him dragging me along after him.  Done.  Anyway, he didn't show, and that makes me very happy.

At any rate, we're doing something tonight, and it should be a lot less harrowing, methinks.  After all, we're going to a different bar.

Vote Or Stand In The Corner!

By the by -- it occurs to me, now that I seem to be watching the show again, that you might be wondering who I am supporting in the whole American Idol horserace.  Well, to clear up any questions you might have:

I tried to make a t-shirt out of that image once, but it was going to cost so much money it would've been cheaper to just buy my own Indonesian sweatshop.  But still -- I really think Blair has a shot at this!  Just look at that feisty expression on her face.  She came to win, folks, and she's not going home emptyhanded!

Better Living Through Stuff That Goes On The Fridge

It was my birthday recently.  In the days and weeks leading up to this event, I received many a phone call from my loved ones to tell me to either a) expect a gift in the mail, or b) expect a LATE gift in the mail.  My mother called me about, oh, seventy-five times -- A DAY -- to tell me that she was sending some things in a box, and did I get the box yet, and there's one thing I won't know what to do with, and it should be coming on Tuesday, or maybe Wednesday, and I should call her, and is it there yet?  So when the box finally arrived after a month of hype, I was quite excited.

I opened it to find two tiny objects in a handful of styrofoam peanuts.  The first object turned out to be a SHOE SHINE SPONGE (!) in the helpful shade of "neutral", because my mother is apparently worried about how my footwear is representing my upbringing out here on the west coast.  The second object was...well, this:

I know what you're thinking, because it's what I thought, too.  A stapler?  A book light?  Some kind of sonic paper-cutter?  Just so you know, it came with no instructions or significant markings, but it DID come with two AA batteries to be inserted a cavity in the thing's main body.  When I put them in, I fully expected something to light up.  Nothing did.  My mother's card, on which was depicted a beagle in a birthday hat, only urged me not to "pee myself" with excitement.  No help there.

I then realized that there were two pads on the thing -- one on that hinged arm on top, and one on the main body on the bottom.  They connect when you depress the arm, and the pad in the body sinks down with a kind of a PING sound.  I was flummoxed, so Ulrich took it from me and checked it out.  The first thing he did was push down on the pad, yelp, and throw it back at me, cursing about how it just burned him.

So now I know that my mother has sent me a futuristic plastic stapler that burns people.  But wait!  There's more: I realized that the back of it was magnetic.  This means it goes on the refrigerator, which means it is designed for use in the kitchen!  We used it to alternately melt, burn, and cut things until we lost interest and abandoned it.

My mother called me two days later to see if I'd gotten her gifts yet.  I told her I had and asked her, politely, just what the fuck the thing was.  Turns out it's a bag sealer.  Like, in case I'm "eating a bag of chips, but I don't want to finish it, now [I] can seal up the bag without having to use one of those clips!"  And, you know, the fact that I don't really eat chips aside, is this really a more convenient solution than a clip?  Also: my mom sent me a BAG SEALER for my BIRTHDAY.

The woman has been completely hypnotized by home shopping shows.

Factory Boy

For various reasons, I just really haven't had the time to think about a Halloween costume for this year.  It generally seems to work in my favor, this 'putting it off till the last second' thing.  Two years ago, I slapped together a costume at the last second -- just to avoid going as the same thing for two different parties (quelle horreur!) -- when I got an 11th-hour invite, and it was the hit of the night.  I was so happy about it that I really planned ahead for last year.  I went as a murdered bathroom attendant, and I bought a tuxedo shirt and a vest, I got a bow tie, I carried around a tray with mints and mouthwash and had a towel draped over my arm ALL NIGHT LONG, and no one effing cared.  All that work!  Philistines.

So on Thursday, when Argyle and I were goofing around and accidentally stumbled headlong into my costume, I was overjoyed.  It was free!  It was creative!  It was free!!!  I went as Andy Warhol, and everyone really loved it.  Well, everyone who didn't think I was being Austin Scarlett from Project Runway.  Philistines.  That show is DEAD to me.  Anyway, you tell me:

                

Neither of those is me, incidentally.  Although I have to admit there are *maybe* some physical similarities -- appearance-wise -- betwixt myself and Mr. Scarlett, although I wear slightly less lip gloss. Well, and also, I couldn't get my hair to do a wave like that if I took it to a baseball game.

Anyway, Warhol was a big hit.  Also that night, however, Ulrich and I turned on the TV to de-drunk before going to bed, and I was absolutely shocked to see an episode of Dr. 90210 that featured one fo the victims of this accident.  I guess the guy who lost his nose had reconstructive surgery done on the show.  It was surreal to see, but I'm really happy to know that he survived.  It was a brutal wreck.

Yesterday we had a wedding to attend way, way out in Topanga Canyon.  It was a traditional Hindu ceremony, and it was absolutely beautiful.  Or, I assume.  I kind of misread the invitation and we showed up an hour and a half late.  A brilliant move, I know.  Fortunately, I wasn't exactly their lynchpin guest -- I was invited because the father of the groom was a teacher of mine in high school; he's a wonderful man who, thanks to some other connections, has a character on Lost named after him.  It was a lot of fun, and we made some new friends, so all told it was a great time had by all.

Lastly, and sadly, Pussy Galore's mother had a major heart attack the other night.  She survived, and it turns out it may have been the result of a congenital defect.  If that's so, and they figure it out, it'll be beneficial for them all to have discovered it.  My thoughts are with them all today.

D is for Deceitful

Hey, Republican former Congressman Mark "PedoFoley" Foley! You just got busted for soliciting underaged teen boys and sending filthy emails while in session...what are you going to do next?

Oh. You're going to...inexplicably and retroactively change party affiliations. But...only on Fox News. Why is that ONLY FOX NEWS is MISTAKENLY (I'm sure) MISIDENTIFYING you as a Democrat, when you're really a Republican? Since it's CLEARLY not CORRUPTION IN THE MEDIA, there must be some other kind of rational explanation. I mean, it only happened that ONE little time, so it must have just been an honest mista--

Oh. Huh. It happened MORE than once, is what you're saying. And still only on Fox News, the conservative news outlet owned by renowned moralizing hypocrite Rupert Murdoch. There must be a connection here, but I just don't see what it is!

Wait, I've got it: since Fox News doesn't actually "fact check" or "research" or "care about accuracy as opposed to just disseminating outright, blatant propaganda", they probably just got confused. Since the Dems are pretty widely known to all be sexual deviants anyway (hello -- gays and loose women who get abortions are Dems), it just made sense. Easy mistake.

sources: NewsHounds and Wonkette

Because Philanthropy Starts at Home

I don't usually like to share, but if YOU guys are okay with it, I guess I am too.

We'll All Sleep Easier Now

At last, the long, national nightmare is over.

I Think I Know Why You Lost That Lawsuit

I guess there are some creative details they just don't cover in law school.