Memoirs Of An Evil Genius

Smile When You Say That

Wow!  Look at me, everybody!  Look at what I'M doing!  I'm updating my blog!  Whoa, I better slow down -- I am unaccustomed to this and it's making me seasick!

I'm being sarcastic.  It has been a while, but once again I swear I have a decent excuse.  I have been working my ASS OFF for a TOTAL INGRATE.  You know, it's bad enough when you have to really put your nose to the grindstone -- coming in early, skipping lunches, staying late -- and getting stressed and being barely able to keep your head above water anyway.  It is SO MUCH WORSE when the dickhole you're doing it all for is totally unappreciative of your efforts.  Worse still when he meets your accomplishments with a brusque, "Is this it?"  YES, THIS IS IT!  THIS IS THE END.  PREPARE TO DIE.

He's the worst, seriously, but there are others I work with that fare no better on my imaginary hit list.  There's a guy here who is totally passive-aggressive in that smarmy, smiley-faced kind of way that makes you want to punch them in the groin.  With a car.  The other day he called and left me a voice mail, just to say in his smiley way that he was assuming I had forgotten to do something important and so was going to do it himself.  In a voice mail.  This is douche behavior, people.

Okay, dig it: WHY would you leave a message like that?  No, wait -- YOU wouldn't, because if you're still reading this it's because YOU ARE NOT A DOUCHEBAG.  If you're going to just take care of, just take care of it.  There is no need to call and leave a self-aggrandizing message beforehand.  Also?  The thing that you're going to assume I didn't do?  You're right.  I didn't.  Because it WASN'T MY RESPONSIBILITY IN THE FIRST PLACE.  Way to investigate, Douche Tracy.

And that is only one small example of what I'm talking about.  I would list some of the rest, but, oh surprise, I have to get back to work.  Frowny face.

We Don't Want YOUR Fries With That, Bitch!

So today is my birthday.  No, no -- don't get up!  I appreciate it, but really the applause is unnecessary.  I am OLD today, though.  OLD.  Well, old-er.  Old enough that if I were a famous actor I would start getting parts like "Single Father" and shit.  Well, maybe not me.  I would get parts like "Single Mother's Gay Best Friend", and I'd just be the catty, dishy guy who works with her at her interior design firm, and I'd be featured in the expository scenes where she's gushing on and on about the guy she met through her friend, and he's soooo beautiful (and he'd be played by Ashton Kutcher or some other such predictably affable comedian), and then I'd have to sigh and say shit like, "Oh, Susan (Drew Barrymore NO DOUBT,) you are so lucky!" and I'd have to act like I hate her for being so lucky, but really I'm so happy because she's my bestest friend and I know how broken up she's been since her husband died in that freak accident two years before.  And then there'd be a series of miscommunications between her and Ashton and she'd think he was a deadbeat, or a gigolo, or a con man, or something like that, and I'd be featured in a series of split-screen phone conversations where I'm in a bubble bath or something equally fey until FINALLY all is settled in the end and the young lovers waltz off into the sunset and everyone wonders, "HEY?  WHAT ABOUT THE GAY BEST FRIEND?"

So last weekend, Ulrich and Argyle and I had a night on the town.  Old-school.  I mean, we got SHITFACED.  Like, we drank...and then we drank some more...and then we drank some more, and THEN we decided to go to the bar, where we drank and drank and drank, and some dude tried to pick up Argyle (but he wasn't good at it, so he and his wingmen picked up ALL of us to get to her), and then the three of us stumbled home drunkenly but happily.  This is where the DRAMA begins.

We wanted chili fries.  You cannot get chili fries at any of the fast food places in our neighborhood.  So we had to go to the grocery store and buy chili and cheese, and then walk down to McDonald's at 2:30am to get fries.  But the place is closed after, like, midnight, and we had to go through the drive-thru.  Except that we were on foot.  So picture me and Argyle standing between cars -- PATIENTLY -- waiting to get to the window.  (They wouldn't acknowledge us at the speaker, you see.)  We finally get up there and ask for two orders of fries, and the manager comes up and gets ALL IN OUR FACES and says, "We don't have time for this!"

I'm all, "Listen, I'm offering you money -- I just want two orders of fries."  And she repeats, "WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!"  For what?  Walking over to the heat lamp and picking up two things of French fries?  Because seriously, that doesn't take long.  So the three of us get into this EXTREME DEBATE at 2:30 in the morning about what exactly is going on here, until I snapped out, "I am offering you my money for your product, and you are refusing it!  You are saying you do not want my money!"  And she says (try to guess) "WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!"  And Argyle barked out something pithy and we stomped off.

But we did not stomp with our tails between our legs.  Oh no!  We marched RIGHT BACK to the apartment, got in Argyle's car, DROVE BACK TO MCDONALD'S (at 3:00am), ordered our French fries, waited in the drive-thru line, got to the window, and then Argyle leaned over and shouted, "Oh!  I'm sorry -- we forgot!  YOU DON'T WANT OUR MONEY!" and then drove off at 1780mph, all the way over to the Carl's Jr. next door so we could wait in the drive-thru for another fifteen minutes to get our fries.  FOR WHICH WE GLADLY PAID.

We had briefly considered ordering two of every item on the menu at McDonald's before driving off, but it's not like they can't get your license plate number a million times while you're waiting.

Anyway, this is why we will NEVER EAT THERE AGAIN.  And you should not either.  Don't let anyone ever tell you not to do things just on principle, because it was the most awesome fun we have ever had.

Saved By The...Tree

This was one of those weeks where every day I felt like I had something to write about, but didn't have the time, and then I maybe had some time, but couldn't decide which of the many things to write about.

I got a promotion at work, and now have a *real* job (doing important things, for more money) and it's all very exciting.  No more unemployment! [happy face]  Also, no more unemployment vacations. [sad face]  Mo' money! [happy face]  Mo' problems. [sad face]

Also, So You Think You Can Dance is all fun, as I had hoped.  I'm a little less into it than I was last time, but I often find with most reality shows -- even the best of them -- that the thrill wanes with each  successive season.  I love some of the contestants (Pasha, Jaimie [I don't care what anyone says, I love her]), I am lukewarm on others (Sara, Danny [I don't care what anyone says, I AM LUKEWARM!]), and really don't like a few (Lauren, and...well, just Lauren, actually).  I would start writing about it, but it has come to my attention that the fans of SYTYCD are just as rabidly insane as were the fans of American Idol. 

Like, I get how we all use speculation to fill in the blanks of any reality show ("Ooh, I wonder if there was some conflict behind the scenes, and that's why they're so cold towards each other!"), but it actually freaks me out when I read some of the crazy conspiracy theories and emotional breakdowns people are having because they have embraced their personal speculations as gospel. ("Ooh, I wonder if there was some conflict behind the scenes.  I'll bet there was.  And SHE probably started it!  I'll bet she made fun of him!  THAT BITCH!") I mean, it freaks. Me. Out. It also bugs the crap out of me when people play the "he's getting The Asshole Edit" card, because generally speaking that's a load of shit.  You know who got an Asshole Edit?  Hitler.  Sometimes you get an Asshole Edit, because you're an asshole.  Occam's Razor -- look it up.

Also, about forty minutes ago, a very large passenger van plowed into the front of our office building.  I was speaking with the receptionist when she said, "Hey, what was that noise?"  And then we looked out the window to see a very large passenger van rolling backwards down the hill, with no driver, narrowly missing a parked car, jumping the curb, scraping a light post, and slamming into a large tree in the planter in front of the main doors.  This is bad, but the tree actually prevented the very large passenger van from sailing clear through the glass wall of the ground floor atrium, adding immensely to the property damage.  So this is a good thing.

Amazingly, no one was seriously injured, and the tree appears to be okay too.  Just another day in the life, I guess.

She's Got The Whole World In Her Skanky Hands

I did it!  I FINALLY finished reading The Count of Monte Cristo!  You guys have no idea how good this makes me feel.  It's like I've been reading it for six years, and now I get to move on and...read something else.  It's not that it was bad, or whatever, just long.  Loooooooooong.  And there comes a point around, oh say page ONE THOUSAND, that you start to think you might never actually be finished with it.  Like as soon as you put it down, the editor sneaks into your bedroom and adds some pages onto the end.  But I'm done!  Yay!  Next up: something trashy and fun and, overall, quick.

Also up next: shame on behalf of humanity for continuing to dwell on Paris Fucking Hilton.  If we're not validating her superiority complex by exponentially increasing her fame and social privileges despite the fact that she DOES NOTHING and OFFERS NOTHING OF SUBSTANCE to the cultural record of mankind, we are increasing her fame all the same by debating her relative worth in every form of media under the sun.  Look -- I'm doing it right now!  I'VE BECOME PART OF THE MACHINE!  PARIS IS KILLING ME!

Honestly, though, she went to jail, right?  People go to jail all the time.  People who are in prison for LESS THAN A MONTH do not ordinarily get blow jobs from Larry King on national TV.  Why is she so special?  No, I'm really, really asking -- WHY is she so special?  What makes her unique from every other scrawny blonde whore with ratty extensions tramping around Beverly Hills, spending money she earned by letting someone else sign her name to a product and standing still long enough for a flashbulb to go off?  As I have observed before, she is not "pretty".  She is also not talented.  And I really mean that in a very deep and broad sense -- not just that her album was a joke and that her "acting" and "writing" are even worse.  I can't think of a single thing she does competently, let alone "well", and yet people hang on her every word. 

I am mystified and grossed out.  And also, done with this topic.

In the meantime, Friday is here again.  Everyone go out and have a kick-ass weekend!

Paris When She Fizzles

So, I just remembered that I have a blog!  I can't believe it's been so long, you guys.  Yes, I was in Florida all last week (and I have the bug bites to prove it -- seriously, I look like I have smallpox on my right leg), but prior to Florida?  Paris motherfucking Hilton got sent to the hoosegow, y'all!  And I didn't say anything!  And then she got let out all extra early for some "house arrest", and then tossed right back in, in a whirlwind of tears, arrogant recriminations, and ratty hair extensions, and I STILL didn't say anything! 

Okay, the last part happened while I was away, but the first part?  My arch-nemesis is tossed in the clink and I'm asleep at the switch.  Shameful.

Also shameful, the fact that we still read about her EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY.  She is in JAIL, people.  This was supposed to be our vacation!  She's going to ooze out of prison more ubiquitous than when she went in!  I hope that she doesn't reform the way she says she will, either.  She's done way too much stupid shit to make up for it now without disappearing for a good long while.  Like, you don't play Wheel Of Self-Importance for six years (or however the fuck long it's been -- feels like an entire geologic period has passed) and then suddenly become Nelson Mandela overnight because you got your ass THROWN IN JAIL for REPEATEDLY BREAKING THE LAW and showing no remorse whatsoever, and then suddenly decide that it was awful and you're a saint and you're going to power through and make everyone love you again some more.

Why do people love her?  WHAT HAS SHE DONE FOR YOU?  Besides, you know, giving racist layabouts and anorexic prima donnas a role model.  Heaven knows we needed someone like that to claim a place in the Hollywood firmament.  Anyway, I'm through with her.  I want to enjoy her time in prison without seeing fresh pictures of her vagina or hearing about how much money she spent on booze at Hyde last night.  She got dumped by her agents too, btw -- maybe  when she's released from the Big House they won't even let her sit with them in the cafeteria anymore.

Okay, time to go home now.  People?  Stay out of jail, and STAY AWAY FROM PARIS.

An Unexpected Manifesto

So, I sorta watched the American Idol finale, while I was doing other things, but failed to take notes as I watched.  Well, "failed".  I mean, it just didn't seem worthwhile.

Here's the thing: I loves me some Jordin.  She's far and away the Next Idol, compared especially to all of her competition.  She's like the Kelly of this crop (no one will be another K.Cla, but for this season, Jordin is the most reasonable facsimile).  Melinda was the Tamyra Gray, Blake is SO the Justin Guadalajara (or whatever the hell his last name was), and Sanjaya was maybe the Nikki McKibbin?  Anyway, the point is that Kelly was not the most talented of the contestants, but by far the most charismatic and the best example of what The Kids are looking for nowadays.  Simon didn't want her to win, but she did anyway -- and has seen immense succes.  This, incidentally, goes a good way towards proving what I've been saying all season long about Simon's remarks for the contestants.

Anyway, I'm sick of Cowell's preening for the crowd, the way he courts criticism and then moans about it when he gets what he wanted in the first place, the way he hyperbolizes his opinion in that authoritative way that says "ignore what you actually heard, and listen to what I'm deciding for you," and the way that he increasingly has come to believe his own publicity.

Moreover, I'm sick of the people who hate Jordin.  I don't usually climb all up on this particular soapbox, and I hate that this show has AGAIN made me emotional about my reality TV, but WTF is wrong with these people?  I read all this insane shit about how she's faking every single thing that you see her do -- though at the same time, the explication of their reasoning in this is so batshit crazy you'd think you were reading a Bret Easton Ellis novel, so I should just lie down and relax myself -- and it makes me sad.  Am I too old for reality TV?  Or, as someone who works in the industry, do I know too much?  I've stopped being entertained by the vitriol and the radical unfairness of fair play, and started painting my soapbox that unfortunate shade of Grandpa.

The Sanjaya thing wasn't funny.  I'm sorry, but it wasn't.  He was an unfortunate kid -- a kid -- in way over his head, trying to do his best, and being turned into a laughing stock.  He didn't have the good grace to turn himself into a punchline the way William Hung did, either, and that made the public hate him all the more.  It's an embarrassing commentary, frankly.  The nigh religious zeal of the Jordin haters is also sad, and made worse by their absolute deprivation of cultural awareness.  I've listed time and again why I think she'll win and why I knew Melinda wouldn't, so I won't go into it again; but I see no machinations in Jordin, no calculation, no attitude, and the evidence they cite could be considered "extrapolated" at best.  I don't know why, but it makes me so deeply sad and so deeply tired when confronted by ravening, adult "fans" so ready to despise a teenager for...appearing to be nice.  Frankly, Even if you think Jordin a secret bitch, I'd rather someone worked hard at being nice than that they were an effortless asshole (Renee).

Oy.  This is already too much.  I really just wanted to say that I thought they both did a great job, but Jordin clearly excelled -- which should come as no surprise.  This is not Blake's niche, and that's why Jordin should win, for the best of all involved.  Part of me wants her to win so a bunch of people out there will be twice as miserable, and part of me wants her to lose because I don't think she deserves this kind of bullshit -- no matter what she does, they'll hate her; if she loses gracefully, wins gracefully, or saves an orphan from a flaming taboggan on a sea of magma, they'll find a selfish, hateful cause with which to ascribe her actions -- but the truth is that she should be the winner.

And now I really am going to lie down, and maybe not watch the results show.  Fuck this noise -- I hate you, American Idol.

Haley's Vomit

Okay, I seriously have no idea what the title of my post means.  I just know that Haley got her walking papers on tonight's AI, and I couldn't be...I'm sorry, I got distracted by something more interesting: I think there's a STAIN in my RUG!  No, seriously, you guys -- there's this weird mark on my rug and it WON'T COME OUT!

I'm sorry, it's just that I really don't care about these people.  They're boring and they suck.  Haley's a really nice girl, and she's a better singer than a lot of people out there, but THIS SHOW SUCKS!  IT SUCKS!  AMERICAN IDOL IS OUTMODED AND BORING AND SELF-IMPORTANT AND IRRELEVANT TO THE MUSIC INDUSTRY!  Season Two: Ruben Studdard who?  I thought that guy soliciting for gay sex won.  Season Three: I know they made some kind of Lifetime movie about this one, but I can't for the shit of me remember who she was.  Cinderella?  Something from Disney.  Season Four: I...didn't watch.  Faith Hill's antichrist won this one, right?  Season Five: Some old geezer took it.  I don't know his name, though, because NO ONE FROM SEASON TWO ON HAS REGISTERED SHIT ON THE CHARTS.

This is a bullshit show, producing bullshit "singers", who make bullshit "music", that becomes culturally irrelevant except in the sense that they have appeared on the top-rated reality show in history.  Great.  That makes you the answer to a trivia question, but not an ARTIST.

Anyway, Haley's going home.  Phil will go home soon enough.  I'm not holding my breath.

Cooking With Sass

I apologize for how long it's taken me to update.  I've been very busy with unemployment and boyfriend responsbilities.  You know how time-consuming THOSE are.  At the moment, I am at Ulrich's place watching Friday the 13th, part V.  Doubtlessly the worst in the entire series (and this is saying a lot, considering there was actually an entry that takes place in deep space with a quasi-bionic Jason reanimated by nano-technology), but still entertaining in its absolute lack of subtlety.  I love a dirty, shrieking hillbilly caricature as much as the next guy, but there comes a point at which it's hard to keep suspending your disbelief about them not having indoor plumbing.

Anyway, I really wanted to continue my rant from previously about the state of modern reality television, and how it has become little more than a celebration of pettish vituperation, arrogance, and self-proclaimed "stars".  Witness: Omarosa Manigault-Whatever.  Famous, but only because she was a ludicrous, preening phony who lacked any sense of self-awareness.  Or Simon Cowell, see previous post.  Also see Jeffrey Sibelia of Project Runway, who was a pompous, self-congratulatory jerk, and who ultimately had his bloated egotism validated by being awarded the win.

See also: Marcel Vigneron, runner-up of this season's Top Chef.  I realize that he did not win, and I also realize that the man who DID win really didn't conduct himself in an exemplary manner either, but Marcel perfectly engenders what I'm talking about.  He was almost cartoonishly boastful -- and while I am not above admitting that he had obvious talent, he was not as talented as he told everyone (and he did tell EVERYONE) -- he was unable to either manage a team or work on one, he was selfish, he was wormy, and he lacked self-awareness.  And yet he seems to be roundly embraced by the public (at least according to all the posts I've read).

People seem to defend him by claiming he was unfairly edited.  As someone who has worked in reality television for over two years, I can tell you that editing can only do so much; it's not magic, y'all.  Marcel really did act like a prick, or the footage wouldn't be there.  Secondly, writers and editors don't just arbitrarily sit around and pick out the "bad guy" by drawing names from a hat, or throwing darts at a board.  They watch all the footage (ALL the footage) and they come to love or loathe the players based on their behavior; the characterizations follow suit.  If someone acts like an asshole, the writers aren't going to like him, and their greatest asshole moments are going to be chosen for the final product.  True, the two or three decent aspects of their persona are being deliberately left out, but those two or three things seldom make up for the host of irritating and offensive actions that comprise their general conduct.  Therefore, I grind my teeth every time I hear someone defend a reality subject by sourly griping that, "They're ONLY showing us his BAD traits," as though this means there's some hidden or unseen altruism to this person, about which we are being purposefully misled.  As if due expressly to the unavoidable LACK of evidence, we are for some reason to believe this person is actually a nice guy.  Like a portrait in negative space -- what we can't see is what's really there.  Sorry, but that doesn't work.

Anyway, Marcel was a complete tool, and for this reason seems to have a bottomless well of supporters.  He wouldn't help others when they needed him, and so we are to hate those who wouldn't help him in return; he was denied space on the stovetop when he wanted it, and for that we are supposed to hate those who denied him...despite the fact that those who denied him had a more pressing deadline, and higher priority.  I don't want to turn this into a laundry list of faults, though; my point is that he was a douche and people like him for it.  To get to the point, he managed to antagonize and alienate everyone he was supposed to work with, and still acted mystified that they didn't like him.  As if their behavior was totally inexplicable and arbirtrary, some weird problem that everybody else had.  Here's a tip: if EVERYBODY around you hates you?  Maybe it's you.

My theory is that people like Marcel, Jeffrey, and even Richard Hatch, all represent the human ID: they do what they want when they want to, hold themselves in unwarrantably high regard, and damn any obligation to decorum or common courtesy.  Unhampered by perspective or humility, they believe themselves to be owed something by the world.  People respond to that, because it taps into a primal part of the psyche.

Ugh.  Anyway, he drove me nuts and I was really glad he didn't win.  I didn't much care for Ilan, frankly, but it did my heart good not to see Marcel get rewarded for constant selfishness and douchebaggery.  There may not be justice in this world, but I definitely feel like they rewarded the lesser of two evils.

Telling It Like It Is

"But it also gets us to a point: Democrats have spent a lot of time complaining about what the president has done. This is an opportunity for them to kind of stand up,"

Quoth spokesman Tony Snow, in the White House's magnanimous reaction to the GOP losing the House of Representatives.  His humility is inspiring, isn't it?  It's also great the way that he seems to have such a firm handle on how things stand regarding the electorate's general feeling toward the two respective major political parties involved.  You tell 'em, former TOTALLY IMPARTIAL Fox News correspondent!  You FORCE those Democrats to accept accountability for the spate of recent, wildly unpopular political decisions that have led the deterioration of this country's global credibility!

That Tony Snow is a regular Faith Hill when it comes to graciously accepting defeat, isn't he?

Project Fuck You

Because I'm about to spew forth a geyser of vitriol, I would like to kick things off with happy stuff first.  To wit, I am having another bowl of French onion soup right now, which I cooked up a little earlier.  I have to say that there is nothing about homemade French onion soup that I don't love.  Which is why I, you know, made a whole other batch instead of just eating what was leftover from yesterday.  Mmmmm, it's so good!  I also made a rum maple apple pie, which looks and it smells so good that I can't believe I have to wait until after I've finished the soup before I can BURY MY FACE INTO IT.

Okay, enough with the happiness.  Let's talk trash.  How much fucking BULLSHIT is Jeffrey's win on Project Runway?  I mean, let's leave aside (for the time being, anyway) the fact that he's a complete and total asshole, and focus on his collection.  Okay, so yes, it was the most "comprehensive" -- if by "comprehensive" you mean "comprised of the greatest number of individual pieces".  Yes, there were things that might pass for sportswear, daywear, evening wear, blah blah blah, but really only if you're Gwen Stefani and you're going to a Halloween party with THE FIFTH FUCKING ELEMENT.

I'm sorry, but that's been his "look" for the whole season.  His "jet-setter" outfit?  Warmed over Hot Topic.  His "couture" gown?  Hot Topic meets Brigadoon by way of Nirvana.  His Final Four challenge dress?  Don't even get me started.  Ill-fitted, ill-conceived, and not indicative of his overall style, which was kind of the POINT.  Also, those two blue(-ish) dresses he made for his final collection?  One looked like a soulless, Nightmare Before Christmas version of an Uli gown, and the other looked like an undead librarian cocktail party.  Maybe Zombie Chic is his "thing", but it's giving the children nightmares.  THINK OF THE CHILDREN, KLUM.

But let's forget about his designs and the fact that they weren't "appealing" or "wearable", and instead focus on my FAVORITE part: he's a self-aggrandizing, narcissistic, insulting, conceited douchebag.  I am sick of people getting rewarded for being rude, tactless, and arrogant; and as someone who works in reality TV and sees this shit all the time, I feel like I have a certain latitude to say so.  "Go ahead -- mock people for their insecurities, denigrate the hard work of others, brag, be nasty and pompous and not only will America LOVE you, but they'll hand you an award on top of it!"  Barf.  I'm sick. Of. It.

Jeffrey lost me with his first pettishly vindictive barb about how everyone else in the competition was producing "intermediate, remedial bullshit" and drove the nails further when he scoffed at one of Laura's creations with a haughty, "ANOTHER high-wasted dress, Jesus,"...before going on to produce a series of high-waisted dresses, including every one of the monstrosities I described above.  He is either myopic or else he's being a bitch for the sake of getting publicity, and frankly I'm not even sure which one is worse.  Being a self-obsessed tool is ridiculous and unwarranted, and faking it for attention is damn near unforgivable.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think I'm done with Project Runway for a while.  I'd hate to watch, get invested in it, and be this disappointed again.