Memoirs Of An Evil Genius: Stars In My Eyes

December 18, 2007

CROSS YOUR LEGS

Jamie-Lynn Spears is pregnant. Oh, yes she is. This is not a drill, folks! This is the real thing! The SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD sister of Britney motherfuckin' Spears is going to HAVE A BABY. They are like The Beverly HIllbillies FOR REAL.

December 18, 2007 in Interludes, Major Events, Serious Crap, Stars In My Eyes, The Silver Screen | Permalink | Comments (0)

September 08, 2006

Guess Who's Coming To Recriminate?

Tonight, Ulrich and I ran into an a rather famous actress at the Fancy Grocery Store, and I immediately humiliated myself by announcing quite proudly that she and I shared a birthday. She was very gracious, but written all over her face were the words, "Oh, great, another Crazy -- let's try not to get stabbed." I heard a lot of "happy birthday" and had to stress carefully that I knew it wasn't actually our mutual birthday today, but just that I thought it was an interesting bit of trivia. I mean, to ME. Admittedly, it makes no difference to her that some dude in the grocery store is also a Pisces, but it was good news to me, and I wanted to share. Is that so wrong?

Another thing I did this week was receive a very ominous email from Honey Ryder, my ex-girlfriend. Yes, you read that right. She sent me a little "hey, haven't talked to you in a couple of years since that time I TOTALLY FREAKED YOU OUT, and I thought I'd see how you were doing! Oh, also, I'M COMING TO TOWN. SEE YOU SOON," message. I have mere weeks to prepare.

On the heels of this -- and I mean, IMMEDIATELY on the heels of this -- I got an email from the girl I pseudo-dated after Honey and I broke up. Again, you read that right. Don't judge, it was a very confusing time for me. Anyway, Girl #2, whom we shall refer to as Ingrid (for reasons that are my own), and I rode a rather bizarre roller coaster at the end of my senior year in high school, in which there were a lot of things we didn't say to each other, and which ended with her sort of never speaking to me again. Until, you know, MONDAY, when she wrote me an email out of the blue.

Then today I got a message from ANOTHER girl I knew in high school (although I don't *think* I dated this one -- my memory's a little foggy on her), but I can't bring myself to read it yet, because I'm starting to shake in my boots at the thought of what else is coming down the pike. I REALLY need to commit Friendstercide, y'all. Wearing a homing beacon on the internet is proving bad for my constitution.

So the big question before the court is, do I try to gather unto me all the people I know in order to create a protective buffer zone for when Honey comes to town? Or do I go for what's behind Door Number Two: protective isolation? It may prove wiser to have as few witnesses as possible to whatever embarrassing truths about Teenage Dr. No may come to light.

I'll be grappling with these heady problems all weekend, while Ulrich and I are out of town, staying in a spacious B&B, somewhere out in the middle of nowhere, hoping there aren't as many gay-hating rednecks in those particular mountains of California as have been reported elsewhere. We did buy a twenty-eight-year-old bottle of wine to bring with us (what we were doing at the Fancy Grocery Store), so failing all else, I can probably drink my way to a solution.

I suppose if I can survive that, I can survive anything.

September 08, 2006 in Friends: God's Way of Saying "You're Welcome", Mr. Ex, Stars In My Eyes, Stressed For Success, Ulrich | Permalink | Comments (0)

Book 'Em, Dr. No

Linda Howard: Kill and Tell
This X-rated story about an Ohio nurse falling in love with a New Orleans cop investigating her father's murder manages to hold the reader's interest, but you'll roll your eyes back more often than our heroine at the clumsy expositions.
Harlan Coben: Tell No One
The suspenseful and engaging story of Dr. David Beck, who lost his wife Elizabeth eight years earlier to a notorious serial killer. So why is he now receiving strange e-mails from someone referencing things about which only he and his deceased wife know? Translated to screen as the exceptional French thriller "Ne le dis à personne," this is a very compelling novel about being haunted by your past.
The Rough Guide to Scandinavia, Edition Seven
An excellent and informative guide that suffers just a little bit from the brevity necessitated by the format. Trying to boil four countries (Norway, Sweden, Denmark, & Finland) down to their barest essentials means cutting out a lot of the unsung (and significant) charm of said countries. That said, it provides a good breakdown of the cities and areas you're most likely to visit, along with a handy guide to restaurants and accommodations listed by price and location, with helpful descriptions.
Edgar (Gore Vidal) Box: Death Likes it Hot
Another fun and irreverent murder mystery from Gore Vidal's alter ego, Edgar Box. Published in 1954, it's the third and final book about a New York PR man who finds himself periodically embroiled in a criminal investigation, with nothing but his wits and libido to help him. This time we are introduced to a ménage of artists and social climbers in the Hamptons, who confront murder most foul when one of their number dies mysteriously.
Lee Lofland: Howdunit Book of Police Procedure and Investigation
Informative, and at its best when the author sticks to giving straightforward information. Occasionally, though, he lapses into personal accounts full of prose so purple it's like trying to read an eggplant. Outside of these moments, it's a very useful reference.
Alexander McCall Smith: Tears of the Giraffe (No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency, Book 2)
Another lighthearted yet introspective book about the delightful Precious Ramotswe, the owner of Botswana's No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency, the (nominal) plot tracks a missing-person case that is a decade old. As she tries to find what became of an American boy in the Kalahari, Mma Ramotswe deals with a number of quandaries - moral, ethical, and personal - with her usual grace and charm.
T. Jefferson Parker: California Girl: A Novel
A compelling and well-written potboiler that spans several decades, as well as several lives, this book recounts the story of four brothers growing up in the 50s and 60s, and a murdered beauty queen. A few too many "wink, nudge" asides regarding the time period conceit, (like, "OH YEAH RIGHT, AND MAYBE MEN WILL WALK ON THE MOON,") but an attention-grabbing and engrossing read nonetheless.
Dick Francis: Dead Cert
Owing a bit to Agatha Christie and a bit to the pulps that preceded it, this British potboiler about murder and intrigue at the races is a brisk and entertaining read. The plot has perhaps a few too many bells and whistles, but it holds your interest.
Lisa Scottoline: Moment of Truth
This book was a bit top-heavy, but picks up momentum a little ways in and is certainly representative of what Scottoline does best. A man frames himself for murder and his resourceful but inexperienced attorney begins to suspect the truth. The ending is a bit contrived for the sake of surprising the reader, but witty dialogue and likable characters carry the day.
Louise Luiggi: Come to the Table: A Passion for Eating and French Living
Despite covering three of my favorite genres - travel writing, food, and memoirs - this book was almost impossible to finish. Chock full of wounded self-aggrandizement, congratulatory narcissism, and righteous indignation, the narration is ironically uninviting.