Memoirs Of An Evil Genius

"It's all true or my name isn't Sophia Pe-...Hawkins."

Okay, so it's been a LONG TIME since I last updated, and I want to apologize. It's been a bad few weeks, and the shit has been left, right, and sideways ALL OVER THE FAN at work. I mean, I'm in there with a squeegee and a fire hose trying to get shit off the fan every day, and it's left me without a lot of time to update. Right now, for example, the field shoot we had planned for Friday is lying at my feet, bleeding from a gunshot to the head, but it's more or less beyond the point of help now. So I can take a few minutes!

...and talk about sad shit. Y'all...Estelle Getty died today. I'm actually really bummed about it, too. Not because it was a big surprise -- she'd been sick for a long time, and she was 84 after all -- but because she has a special place in my gay little heart, thanks to Golden Girls. I mean, I used to watch that show all the time with my mom, so it also kind of marks the inevitable passage of time as we all get older and blah blah blah. Anyway, tonight I'm going to get drunk and eat cheesecake with Ulrich and Argyle while we watch a marathon of Sophia Petrillo's best episodes. Here's to your memory, Estelle.

Also, I am seriously considering moving to Switzerland where I will live in a tiny cottage and make cheese or wine or textiles and never speak to another human being again. WHY IS WORK SO AWFUL? I'm sick of getting barked at over shit I can't control, and getting goaded by my producer into pissing people off, because HE doesn't give a shit if I get my ass reamed by some lady on the other side of the country who sounds like an incest baby with a cleft palate for "ignoring protocol" as long as HE gets his results. Which, of course, he DOESN'T get, because after pissing off Cleft Palate Lady, we are shuffled to the bottom of the pile, our shoot gets a double-tap to the head, AND THEN IT DIES IN MY ARMS.

This is only the latest in a long line of bullshit problems we've been having, and it's pushing me to the edge. It is also turning me into an alcoholic, because every time the message light on my phone blinks, I think to myself, "I NEED A GLASS OF WINE." And then I look at the clock and it's 10am, and I'm like, "ONLY EIGHT MORE HOURS TO GO! MAYBE I'LL MAKE THAT TWO GLASSES." One of these days I'm going to actually get a lunch break again, and then I'm going to get into trouble.

Sigh. But I'm trying not to turn this into my bitchfest-about-work, because I've been there and done that already. It's therapeutic, if not productive. Anyway, hope everyone is doing okay. Watch some Golden Girls tonight for Estelle Getty and get drunk for me.

Life is Like a Murderous Hermaphrodite

I love soap operas.  I won't lie about it anymore.  When I was in my early teens, whenever I'd get sick, I'd just spend the whole day lying around on the sofa, watching TV.  I'd start the day with a rerun of something like Charlie's Angels or Murder, She Wrote, and then follow it up with old favorites like The Bionic Woman, The Price is Right, maybe some Moonlighting and an episode of Remington Steele, until the evening, when the Nick At Nite programming would begin and I'd be treated to all my REAL faves.  It was like the televisual equivalent of Easy Listening.  The one thing I wouldn't watch?  Soaps.

I don't know why, I just considered them a waste of my time.  Like, how unrealistic! (This was long before Dawson's Creek, in my defense, THE epitome of unrealistic television -- I mean, for reals, y'all: Pacey became a stockbroker, and some girl actually had the sex with Dawson.  I think not.)  Anyway, I couldn't be bothered.  FLASH FORWARD to 2004 when I quit The Worst Job Ever and suddenly had a lot of free time on my hands.  That's when I found Passions.  When I started?  Sheridan and Luis were getting married in the cemetary, but suddenly the Wheelers revealed themselves to be Luis's dad and Sheridan's presumed-dead (at Sheridan's hands) mom, who had fled to Mexico and gotten plastic surgery and fallen in love, and then Pilar started slapping Katherine around a lot, and Beth tried to gas Sheridan to death so she could regain Luis's affections, and Beth's mother's orangutan nursemaid was in love with Luis and trying to thwart Beth -- well, I got hooked.

FLASH FORWARD to today.  I'm still hooked.  These days, Beth is gone (having kidnapped Sheridan's son, Marty, and fled to Rome, where she is presumed dead in a train explosion), Martin and Katherine are no longer in the picture (having been written out to accomodate a shrinking budget), and two characters named "Fancy" and "Pretty" (sisters -- oh yes, they went there) are at odds because Fancy apparently threw acid in Pretty's face, scarring her for life, although it seems to have been accidental/self-defense -- and Pretty is an obnoxious, whiny ho, frankly, and I'm not wasting a lot of tears on her -- and now Pretty is threatening to ruin Fancy's wedding to Luis, which is taking place in a prison, because Luis is on death row for a bunch of murders and rapes that were actually committed by Fancy and Pretty's half-brother Vincent (although only Eve, Julian, and Sheridan know that as yet) and it's all very complicated.  The nice thing is, my roommate Argyle is also hooked on Passions.  A sample text message exchange, from earlier today:

Dr. No: Pretty is a stupid bitch and a LURD and I hate her!

Argyle: I know, right? Like, her life is ruined b/c she has to wear her hair down to cover her scar?  Grl, plz.

Usually our discussions are more erudite than that, but I think you catch the drift.  Anyway, Passions is moving to DirecTV in a month or so, and we're all torn up about it.  It's really become a touchstone of our cohabitation -- playing drinking games to Passions (for example, "drink whenever Sheridan deserves to be slapped". You'll be drunk by the end of Act II).  So we're going to bribe a friend to TiVo it for us, when really we should just let it go.

I don't even know why I brought this up.  I've been drinking viognier while writing this, so I've sort of lost track of what I'm doing.  Anyway, the point is this: SUCK IT, SHER-SHER!

Lindsay: Fully Loaded

It has been a crazy week, but a blissfully slow day around here.  My new boss took our department (there are three of us in the department) out for lunch, we celebrated birthdays with free sugary goodness, and given that nobody is responding to my emails, I have really done everything I could be expected to do in terms of my actual work!  Hooray!

I am on the verge of stabbing someone in the face, however, when I think about the TRAVESTY of justice being carried out over on So You Think You Can Dance.  Jaimie got sent home last night, y'all.  I know, I know -- not everyone loved her the way I loved her.  But get this: her competition?  Was Lauren.  Lauren.  I don't get her appeal.  Like, I'll be honest: she's not the worst dancer in the world, certainly, but I just don't see anything that puts her in the echelon of her competitors.  She's competent, but not particularly charismatic.  And?  Her solo last night was awful.  Awwwwwful.  All arms and flailing and stuff.  It was like Misha Chan and the Half-Ass Dance.  I really did not get it.  Can you really just run back and forth dressed like Princess Leia and call it a dance?

Oh, and also?  I had a pair of pants with a bag of coke in the pocket, and then my friend Lindsay came over to visit, and now I can't find them anywhere!  Anybody know where they might have gone?

All kidding aside, WHAT THE FUCK, LINDSAY?  STAY HOME!

Saved By The...Tree

This was one of those weeks where every day I felt like I had something to write about, but didn't have the time, and then I maybe had some time, but couldn't decide which of the many things to write about.

I got a promotion at work, and now have a *real* job (doing important things, for more money) and it's all very exciting.  No more unemployment! [happy face]  Also, no more unemployment vacations. [sad face]  Mo' money! [happy face]  Mo' problems. [sad face]

Also, So You Think You Can Dance is all fun, as I had hoped.  I'm a little less into it than I was last time, but I often find with most reality shows -- even the best of them -- that the thrill wanes with each  successive season.  I love some of the contestants (Pasha, Jaimie [I don't care what anyone says, I love her]), I am lukewarm on others (Sara, Danny [I don't care what anyone says, I AM LUKEWARM!]), and really don't like a few (Lauren, and...well, just Lauren, actually).  I would start writing about it, but it has come to my attention that the fans of SYTYCD are just as rabidly insane as were the fans of American Idol. 

Like, I get how we all use speculation to fill in the blanks of any reality show ("Ooh, I wonder if there was some conflict behind the scenes, and that's why they're so cold towards each other!"), but it actually freaks me out when I read some of the crazy conspiracy theories and emotional breakdowns people are having because they have embraced their personal speculations as gospel. ("Ooh, I wonder if there was some conflict behind the scenes.  I'll bet there was.  And SHE probably started it!  I'll bet she made fun of him!  THAT BITCH!") I mean, it freaks. Me. Out. It also bugs the crap out of me when people play the "he's getting The Asshole Edit" card, because generally speaking that's a load of shit.  You know who got an Asshole Edit?  Hitler.  Sometimes you get an Asshole Edit, because you're an asshole.  Occam's Razor -- look it up.

Also, about forty minutes ago, a very large passenger van plowed into the front of our office building.  I was speaking with the receptionist when she said, "Hey, what was that noise?"  And then we looked out the window to see a very large passenger van rolling backwards down the hill, with no driver, narrowly missing a parked car, jumping the curb, scraping a light post, and slamming into a large tree in the planter in front of the main doors.  This is bad, but the tree actually prevented the very large passenger van from sailing clear through the glass wall of the ground floor atrium, adding immensely to the property damage.  So this is a good thing.

Amazingly, no one was seriously injured, and the tree appears to be okay too.  Just another day in the life, I guess.

OMG OMG!!!1!!1

Oh, wait, did I forget to register my surprise -- sorry, "surprise"? -- about Jordin winning American Idol?  Okay, here goes:

OMG, y'all, I TOTALLY can't beLIEVE that Jordin WON!  It's SUCH a SURPRISE!

That's sarcasm.  She was so obviously going to win.  Sorry, haters, but I guess you'll just have to go kill a puppy to feel better.

An Unexpected Manifesto

So, I sorta watched the American Idol finale, while I was doing other things, but failed to take notes as I watched.  Well, "failed".  I mean, it just didn't seem worthwhile.

Here's the thing: I loves me some Jordin.  She's far and away the Next Idol, compared especially to all of her competition.  She's like the Kelly of this crop (no one will be another K.Cla, but for this season, Jordin is the most reasonable facsimile).  Melinda was the Tamyra Gray, Blake is SO the Justin Guadalajara (or whatever the hell his last name was), and Sanjaya was maybe the Nikki McKibbin?  Anyway, the point is that Kelly was not the most talented of the contestants, but by far the most charismatic and the best example of what The Kids are looking for nowadays.  Simon didn't want her to win, but she did anyway -- and has seen immense succes.  This, incidentally, goes a good way towards proving what I've been saying all season long about Simon's remarks for the contestants.

Anyway, I'm sick of Cowell's preening for the crowd, the way he courts criticism and then moans about it when he gets what he wanted in the first place, the way he hyperbolizes his opinion in that authoritative way that says "ignore what you actually heard, and listen to what I'm deciding for you," and the way that he increasingly has come to believe his own publicity.

Moreover, I'm sick of the people who hate Jordin.  I don't usually climb all up on this particular soapbox, and I hate that this show has AGAIN made me emotional about my reality TV, but WTF is wrong with these people?  I read all this insane shit about how she's faking every single thing that you see her do -- though at the same time, the explication of their reasoning in this is so batshit crazy you'd think you were reading a Bret Easton Ellis novel, so I should just lie down and relax myself -- and it makes me sad.  Am I too old for reality TV?  Or, as someone who works in the industry, do I know too much?  I've stopped being entertained by the vitriol and the radical unfairness of fair play, and started painting my soapbox that unfortunate shade of Grandpa.

The Sanjaya thing wasn't funny.  I'm sorry, but it wasn't.  He was an unfortunate kid -- a kid -- in way over his head, trying to do his best, and being turned into a laughing stock.  He didn't have the good grace to turn himself into a punchline the way William Hung did, either, and that made the public hate him all the more.  It's an embarrassing commentary, frankly.  The nigh religious zeal of the Jordin haters is also sad, and made worse by their absolute deprivation of cultural awareness.  I've listed time and again why I think she'll win and why I knew Melinda wouldn't, so I won't go into it again; but I see no machinations in Jordin, no calculation, no attitude, and the evidence they cite could be considered "extrapolated" at best.  I don't know why, but it makes me so deeply sad and so deeply tired when confronted by ravening, adult "fans" so ready to despise a teenager for...appearing to be nice.  Frankly, Even if you think Jordin a secret bitch, I'd rather someone worked hard at being nice than that they were an effortless asshole (Renee).

Oy.  This is already too much.  I really just wanted to say that I thought they both did a great job, but Jordin clearly excelled -- which should come as no surprise.  This is not Blake's niche, and that's why Jordin should win, for the best of all involved.  Part of me wants her to win so a bunch of people out there will be twice as miserable, and part of me wants her to lose because I don't think she deserves this kind of bullshit -- no matter what she does, they'll hate her; if she loses gracefully, wins gracefully, or saves an orphan from a flaming taboggan on a sea of magma, they'll find a selfish, hateful cause with which to ascribe her actions -- but the truth is that she should be the winner.

And now I really am going to lie down, and maybe not watch the results show.  Fuck this noise -- I hate you, American Idol.

Expect the Expected

So, Melinda got voted off American Idol.  You know, after Tamyra Gray, Jennifer Hudson, and Latoya London were all voted off WAY before their times -- despite being the strongest players on their respective fields -- you would think the public at large would have recognized this pattern before now: the strong, uber-polished, technically flawless singer?  NOT AMERICA'S NEXT TOP IDOL.

Seriously, do we need to have a tutorial?  Okay.  Melinda was great!  Melinda was the New Whitney Houston!  Melinda was also old.  Like, denture-adhesive old compared to her competitors, and the teens?  The ones who vote en masse for this show?  They don't want Whitney Houston.  To them, Whitney Houston is some cracked out old bag in a fur jacket on Larry King who apparently sang a bunch of songs a million years ago -- songs that mom really likes, but then again, mom wears tapered jeans, so you have to consider the source.  They want someone young, malleable, and exciting, someone who's going to grow and make them believe that they, too, can achieve all their dreams before their mid-twenties.

Anyway, yes, Melinda was clearly the best in show, and I'm sure Simon will have a lot of bitter invective to spew at America for lousing up his first chance at championing a sure thing (because, you know, Melinda IS going to be a star, people).  Simon will also take out his rage on Jordin and Blake, because they are Not Melinda. (Jordin in particular, who has already gotten plenty of, "That was good, but it wasn't Melinda enough.  Go back and be Melinda.")

Enough of that.  I was also thoroughly not surprised by the outcomes of ANTM (although I was glad that wrinkly old Renee lost directly to Natasha - ha!) and Shear Genius (which, can we sew up Dr. Boogie in a soundproof rubber bag?  Pretty please?).  Either I'm getting psychic in my old age, or the world needs better writers.

I (Who Have Apathy)

First of all, my computer could not BE any slower than it is now.  It's like the processor is dragging a tractor behind it.  By its teeth.

Second of all, I love how the Mayor of Glendale is reading Jordin's fax from "Simon" to everyone BUT Jordin herself.

Jordin -- "Wishing On a Star".  I don't know jack about Rose Royce (except that her name ROCKS), but I do know Jordin, and she's doing some rocking of her own all up in this shit.  The outfit is a little nightgowny, a bit I'm Trying To Appeal To My New Husband Circa 1963.  But I loved her and Simon is an idiot for criticizing her for the arrangement, simply because he didn't expect it.

Blake and his mayor look like they're related.

Blake -- "Roxanne".  BRILLIANT choice of song by Paula Abdul.  That woman is not totally out of it, y'all, because this is EXACTLY in Blake's wheelhouse.  And he's rocking it, too, considering how fucking hard this song is to sing.  He's totally toned down the beatboxing that drives Randy/Simon insane.  There were some choppy points in the middle, I felt, but I think he acquitted himself really well.  Simon's critique is, again, kind of stupid: Blake =/= Sting.  We already knew that.  Now focus on what we just learned -- Blake can ROCK STING.

Melinda's mayor is so that white guy trying to sound hip to connect with the younger generation.  Awesome.

Melinda -- "Oops, I Missed The Title Again".  I don't know Whitney, so I can't tell you what this is from listening to it, and I'm not committed enough to this show to go back and find out.  Melinda sounds wonderfully polished, as usual, and her voice has a beautiful richness to it, but this song (while technically difficult) is leaving me curiously cold.  I also think that high note was...not the high note, if you catch my meaning.  I'm alone on that, though.  Ryan?  YOU ARE NOT STREET.  Simon?  YOU ARE NOT FUNNY.

Jordin #2 -- "She Works Hard For The Money".  A good song for Jordin, but what's with everybody trying to squoosh her into a 70s/80s Power Girl box?  (Yeah, I looked up Rose Royce.)  Her voice and attitude are good for this, but I hate it when they give them songs that are so low their voices disappear in the lower range.  She looked very comfortable, though, and that counts.

Blake #2  -- "This Love".  Huh.  I wouldn't have thought of that, but it's another good fit.  A REALLY good fit, actually; so much so that he kind of sells it without thinking, and that's always nice to see.  Oh.  But he's doing the beatboxy stuff, which I don't like, and which I really think he should stop with.  I get that it's a skill he has that no one else does, but...just because you can? Doesn't mean you should.

I'm tired of the viewer questions.  They're stupid.  Go to Melinda's MySpace if you want to know who her hero is.

Melinda #2 -- "Nutbush City Limits".  I have never heard this before.  I also don't think Melinda's as much like Tina Turner as the judges do.  She's great, of course, but I always feel like I'm watching my mom trying to rock out.  Don't get me wrong, I love my mom and I totally love Melinda,  I just don't see her as the rocker chick, you know?  Regardless, she was excellent, and a lot of fun.

Jordin #3 -- "I (Who Have Nothing)".  I'm really glad she picked this song -- she really sang the shit out of it on British Invasion night and I think that was when she really established herself as a threat in this competition.  And she's doing it again tonight, DAMN.  She brought that shit, y'all.  She came to compete.  Sigh.  Simon's criticism is, once more, idiotic.  He gave her a song from 1977, and they assigned British Invasion as a theme, and...oh, fuck it.  I don't care.

Blake #3 -- "When I Get You Alone".  I don't know this song.  Anyway, he does his Blake thing, replete with beatboxyness, and it's all fun and upbeat, but very...typical, you know?  Simon likes it, of course, because I was entirely indifferent about it.

I don't get why the hometowns go and put people names on permanent things like streets and floors and stuff.  In six months when nobody remembers who they are, these cities are going to look pretty silly.

Melinda #3 -- "I'm a Woman".  This is more the kind of rocking I see from Melinda, because blues suits her very well.  Why does she get backup singers?  I want backup singers, you guys.  Seriously.  THAT would be awesome.  She did good, but that was so brief!  And...performy, frankly.  I liked Jordin's better.  Simon points out the obvious: Melinda should be in the final.  They are practically BEGGING the viewing audience to give this to Melinda, people.  The begging would be sad if I felt they had any dignity left to lose.

I'm torn, y'all.  I'd love to see a match-up betwixt Jordin and Melinda next week, but Blake could definitely worm his way in there if Jordy and Mel split the Girl Singer vote.  Then again, I've been saying all along that I think Jordin is more Idol-y than Melinda, so who knows.  See you there, I guess.

Leavin' Alive

Oh, LaKisha.  Her time was up, y'all.  I mean, I think it's great she made it as far as she did, because she seemed like a lot of fun, but I think we have the "right" top three.  I'm not totally into Blake's freaky beatbox action, but he's something this competition hasn't seen before and has a unique perspective on the whole thing.  LaKisha was very talented, but it wasn't anything we haven't already seen.

Anyway, I was putting air in my tires and totally missed the final showdown, but I understand she left and was very gracious about it.  I like that.  This group seems to have bonded, which is always nice to see.

How Can You Mend a Broken Eardrum?

Final four, y'all.  How glad am I that this sideshow is almost over?  A LOT glad.  And the theme tonight is Barry Gibb.  Barry Gibb?  Okay.  I absolutely cannot relate to this whatsoever.

Melinda -- "Love You Inside And Out".  She's great, of course, but what's with the Soul Train background effects?  The judges accuse her of being safe, which is also true, but, dude?  Like, these kids step out of the box and they get swatted like flies, but then when they don't it's a "disappointment"?  I hate this show.

Blake -- "You Should Be Dancing".  Barry Gibb looks like he's wearing someone else's dentures.  This is SO Blake (and WHAT is he WEARING?), but his schtick is getting old for me.  We already HAVE a Bobby McFerrin, Blake.  The niche?  She is full.  Also, they have studios for that stuff.  Randy = on crack, though, because this is the first and ONLY song for which I think the beatbox was appropriate.

LaKisha -- "Stayin' Alive".  You knew someone had to do this song, I just thought it'd be Blake.  Yikes.  Stayin' on key would've been a better idea, frankly.  Those high notes are NOT making friends with LaKisha tonight, and you can see it in her face that this isn't coming easy.  Simon needs to just let Paula have her say.

Jordin -- "To Love Somebody".  Yay!  Jordin picked a song that's right for her and her voice!  Yay!  I like Jordin, y'all.  I don't like the skirt/pants combo, however.  She's doing a great job, though!  Yay!  Best so far.

Melinda #2 -- "I Missed The Title".  How can you mend a broken heart?  I like this "graphite stewardess" look she's rocking, and she's doing her best to Shock and Awe the judges like they asked.  She's great again, of course, and makes this her own.

Blake #2 -- "This Is Where I Came In".  ENOUGH BEATBOX!  I don't get Blake's aesthetic.  I like his voice, but not always what he does with it, and this song is kind of uninteresting.  Like, he's dancing as fast as he can, but the song essentially stays in the same neighborhood the whole time.

LaKisha #2 -- "Run To Me".  Much better.  The outfit is more flattering on her, too!  I think this song is really in her wheelhouse, and she showed what she's best at.  Maybe not a perfect performance, but a good example of her in her milieu.

Jordin #2 -- "Woman In Love".  I anticipate good things, y'all.  Aw, she's so pretty!  Some of the notes aren't quite spot-on, but her tone is clear as a bell and she's selling it like she means it.  I appreciate her effort.  Not as bad as her Bon Jovi thing, but not as good as her British Invasion thing.

Vote for Jordin, y'all!  That is, if you vote for this stuff.  I don't, so I'm asking you to do it on my behalf.